Snookered for Breakfast (past due)

July 2009

Dear friends and family,

Before I speak, I would just like to say a few words. Over the long course of the history of the Jewish people, many congregations have found themselves buffeted by the waves around them. ("Buffeted" means "bumped, or knocked about", not to be mixed up with how food is served at simchas.) Many a congregation has seen its numbers decline as population shifts and the tides of history have swept their membership to other places, even to other shores. At such times, the leadership of the mother-ship has to take a long hard look at the currents, and bravely steer a new course.

All too often, the sweep of history has turned too quickly for our people. But there have also been long periods of calm and prosperity that have none-the-less brought their own perplexing challenges. Aging congregations have seen their younger folk leave for larger cities and newer harbors in the suburbs, leaving the mothership aground on sterile sandbanks, with discomforting views of a sea of green.

Some have created grand theories to explain this phenumenon. I have heard it called the "Edifice Complex", which I think is a referrence to some construction on De Nile. Some have looked to Hollywood for inspiration, chanting "build it and they will come!" And then some die-hards have hatched elaborate schemes to create new enclaves, all the while blowing furiously into the wind.

The piece below is inspired by real events at a synagogue not far from here, but just a bit too far for me to walk there on Shabbos. The circumstances you will encounter when you read this piece are real. They reflect a desperate attempt, some forty years after the exodus began, to turn back time. But as we all know, tide and time wait for no-one. Still, they try!

You know, it reminds me of another story, from when I was doing my resident training in South Africa. This won't take very long, I promise. I was examining an x-ray of a patient's hip and saw something I felt needed to be explained before I finished my report. I left the reading room to ask the radiographers where the patient was. In response to my question "where is Mr Coetzee?" the reply came that "she" was in the next x-ray room.

I stumbled, mentally, you know?, on getting that answer, and insisted I was definitely "looking for a man". The radiographer assured me that the patient was indeed a woman, even though she had a man's name. Now I'm not the world's most innocent guy, but it seemed that growing up in the northern suburbs of a big sophisticated city had not really taught me everything yet, if you know what I mean!

I entered the x-ray room and approached the patient. As it turns out, she was just an ordinary-looking, regular, middle-aged lady. "Hullo, I am looking for Stephanus Coetzee?" The patient said that was she.

"But you have a man's name!" I didn't say this, of course. My Yecke upbringing has left me classier than to blurt out such exclamations! But I was very curious.

So, exercising great self-control, I steered the conversation to the medical issues and my questions arising from the x-ray. With the additional information, I was able to tell her what I saw on her x-ray and how this tied in to her present complaint. As we finished up the "professional" conversation, I asked, very politely, what people called her, did they call her "Stephanus"?

"No, they call me Stephanie." (What a relief!)

"So, may I ask why you were named ‘Stephanus’?"

Well, that was the name her father had put on the certificate when he went to register her birth, "but they did call me Stephanie right away." Her father, you see, had really, really wanted a boy. He used to say that since the first three were all girls, and he had been a patient and caring father, he thought he finally deserved a boy. Having faithfully played his part, he finally used the name he had been patiently waiting to use for all those years and all those children.

"and Never mind the Facts! " I thought to myself. (Again, I was resolutely restrained enough not to actually say this!)

"and I just never changed my official name," said Stephanie, and she really seemed quite content with this. So who am I to go making waves? We ended the conversation, said goodbye, and I left the x-ray room.

As I walked by the radiographers, I was still somewhat bemused, and I told them I could not really believe it, that I had just met a woman with a man's name!

Now, we have all heard the song about a "Boy named Sue", and it must be really hard to grow up with a name that clearly was meant to be applied only to members of the opposite sex, and I shudder to think of the impact of such things on a young person's soul, but (and this was without a pause) one of the radiographers piped up, "oh, that's nothing! My grandmother's name was DIRK!"

Look, I was already in my thirties, I had been to the army and to medical school, I had worked in the UK and traveled all over the world, how could I have missed this trend? Why was I still so unprepared?

You know, in retrospect, it's a miracle that change in South Africa was comparatively peaceful in the end, considering that the culture in power had been, so often, willing to decide things without regard to the facts on the ground. I guess that shows that time and again, history will just trip you up.

But I digest, I mean, digress. (Why are there so many words that look and sound so alike? And why are there some words with more than one meaning? Have you ever thought about these thinks?)

Anyway, I promised I wouldn't keep you long. Change comes slow in the humidity of the south, and just because you're old and declining, doesn't mean you can't try out a new model, business or otherwise. So, now that you know that the background is what to do about a declining shul, go ahead and read the piece. By the way, you will see I have signed it with a fictitious name. It's not that I have something to hide, I was just thinking, you know? Everyone needs a gnome de guerre . . .
___________



Snookered for Breakfast!

Not so SHY! or Retiring!

It's like this, you know? I had every intention of taking care of the things I have been putting off for awhile now. I had decided, when I got home that evening, I was finally going to get these things done. Not fixing a cabinet door, or cleaning out the garage, or applying for some insurance, but things I have been avoiding that needed to be done!

Then, just after I got home, my wife brought in the mail, and there was this offer. Look, with the economy the way it is, we probably won't be retiring for at least another 20 years, but it's never too early to think about your retirement . . . ask the punndits, that's what they say.

So the offer is for a place in a neighborhood, part of a development around a synagogue. It really is an exciting offer, so we had a bite to eat and got right down to it, filling out the application. On the spot . .

At the top of the questionaire it says -

Check all options that apply or fill out additional information where appropriate.

So we did!

We started with what we (meaning "she") want/s in the

Kitchen

Check all appliances / elements that you want in your kitchen. (Please specify gas or electric; give brand names/types if important).

[X] Range / Oven combination

[X] Cooktop (Type - induction, coils, etc) - we want gas, please!

[ ] Eye-height oven (no thanks, we want the one we checked above!)

[X] Sink (How many? Type of material ie stainless steel or porcelain) - 2 please!

[X] Combination refrigerator/freezer (Side by side? Freezer top? Icemaker?) Freezer below, and Icemaker, and with ice and water dispenser in the door!

[X] Dishwasher (How many?) - 2 please

[X] Microwave oven (Built in? Freestanding?) Built in, thanks

[X] Countertop (What material? i.e. granite, butcher block, etc) Silestone, please.

Hmm. That looks good, now onto the room for

Dining

1 Do you want one eating area (breakfast and dining combined) or more than one for different purposes (i.e. dining room for fine dining, nook for breakfast?)

more than 1; And . . . isn't that "snook! for breakfast"?

2 Will dining area be used during non-meal times? (If so, for what? I.e. as a work table, computer/laptop station?)

No

3 Do you want to see the kitchen from the eating area(s)? From any other areas?

(Here we had a bit of a difference. I said "no", but my wife said "yes".
I was filling the form out, so I wrote down . . ) "No!"

4 What kind of storage do you need near the dining area?

Access to the garage would be nice! (where else do you keep your spare freezers and refrigerators?)

With that done, we moved on to the

Living Room

1 Would you like a combined living- and dining-room or separate spaces?

combined

2 Describe the qualities you would like to experience in the living room?

Love and sensitivity; and my wife wants also "a view!"

3 How many people will be using the living room? Maximum number of people you would accomodate?

Everyone who gets invited! Do you want to come for Shabbos?

4 Will the living room accomodate a tv, extensive sound system and/or media center?

No, all of that will be in the family room!

The next heading was:

Home Office

1 Do you intend on working from home?

No, we intend on retiring.

2 Do you need space for office equipment?

No

3 How much space would you ideally need? (I.e. A whole room or an office nook)

. . . there's that ”nook" again?

and now, on to the coolest room in the house - the

Bathroom

1 How many full bathrooms would you ideally like? How many powder rooms?

bathrooms x 3, all en-suite, and powder room x 1 (to keep your powder dry!)

2 What sort of tub and shower arrangement do you prefer - separate or combined?

Separate, and don't use up all the hot water already!

Now we come to where you get your ZZZZZs, the

Sleeping Areas

1 How many bedrooms would you ideally like?

she says she wants 4

2 How big of a closet do you need in or near the sleeping area?

About 10 ' x 6', but bigger sometimes, it depends how big of a klutz you are!

3 Will most of your clothing be stored in the closet or in dressers/armoires?

In the closet, thanks!

Now to be practical! in the

Utility Room

1 Would you like space for a washer and dryer? (please specify full size or stackable). Do you need a sink?

Yes, full-size; Sink? I sink so!

2 Do you need storage space? Do you need space for ironing?

Apparently - "yes, yes, and yes!" (let's see Verizon sue me! bring it on! )

Transportation

How many parking spaces would you ideally like? Do you need space for a bicycle or motorbike?

Parking spaces x 4, and space for 2 bicycles; (parking is scarce downtown, we can use 2 and rent 2 out, like a new business model!)

and finally, the space you're longing and waiting for!

Community Space!

Would you like there to be exercise equipment?

Huh? In the Shul?

Would you like there to be space to use for a party, for tv viewing, meetings, etc

What about the social hall?

_________________________

Well, that wraps it all up. I tell you, this is so exiting! If you need a copy to fill out, please let me know. What are you doing for your retirement?

I can't wait ... Now you's all come back'n seeyus!

Shalom, shalom

from: Doug Phishman, MP

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