Could squirrels be evolving?

I don’t know where you stand on the evolution versus creation issue, but there may be somethig going on - could squirrels be evolving? It’s something to think about, you know? The reason I ask is, well, some stories have come to light, and this is what I’m thinking, man.

First, a colleague of mine, a healthcare provider, with a Ph D no less, tells me she had a narrow escape getting out of the Grand Canyon. Let’s call her Nancy, so she won’t sue me for telling you this. She went on a rafting trip down the Colorado River, with a reputable company (she’s in healthcare, do you think she’d go with some raft-by-night operation?). By day the group rafted, and at evening they beached the rafts and set up camp. The nights were unbelievable, clear, star-filled skies, clean air, and the peaceful sounds of nature to settle them to sleep.

By all accounts, it was an amazing trip, riding the rapids, coasting on the quiet segments, experiencing the great outdoors, and communing with nature - (you remember the Marlborough ads?). My colleague, what’s her name again? Right. Nancy had many apprehensions about making the trip, but got to the end without being bitten by snakes or eaten by bears. She wasn’t kicked by a mule or stung by scorpions. She wasn’t even thrown from a raft or dunked by a wave. It boggles the mind to think how many hazards she by-passed without so much as a scratch.

Now it turns out, the most dangerous segment of the misadventure proved to be getting out of the canyon. It is a mile deep, you know. And there are various ways of getting out. If you go down by mule, the mule usually brings you back. If you hike down, you have to hike out. Of course, if you are rich, you can get out by helicopter. Or if you have a significant mishap, you could end up riding a med-evac chopper. (Be sure to have emergency evacuation insurance coverage before you plan your own trip, but you’ve GOT-TO see and experience the Grand Canyon before your own Grand Exit.)

Well, the excursion in question required the participants to hike out of the canyon, carrying a backpack with their personal camping gear. The group were given instructions about pacing, and keeping well hydrated and loading with calories - you know, power bars, trail mix, and lots of water and stuff like that, and then the rafting guides let them go. The group set off, breaking into smaller groups, and began the hike along the trail leading out of the canyon. There were rest stops on the way, with first class rest room facilities, and the views were spectacular.

Well, my colleague, you know, Nancy. Nancy is a healthcare provider, and she knows how to keep things finely tuned, medically, I mean, and she was careful, really careful, about her hydration and nutrition. But hiking up a full 1 mile’s altitude can take it out of you.

Now here’s the thing. I grew up in Johannesburg, South Africa, which is 6,000 ft above sea-level. If you live there, your body adapts to the thinner air by boosting your hemoglobin. (It’s a natural form of doping - altitude training, you know?) If you live at sea level, and step up to 6,000 feet without time to adapt, you get short of breath when you exercise, much quicker than at sea level. This is true even if you are fairly fit. Did I mention the canyon is a mile deep? Did you notice any connection between a mile and 6,000 ft? That means that climbing out takes you from somewhere like sea-level to nearly 6,000ft ( Do the math if you think I’m fooling. One mile is 1,760 yards - thank the Romans - multiply by 3, gets you to 5,280 feet. 720 feet short of 6,000. In round numbers, 1 mile is 90 % of 6,000 ft - and you know what I say, 90 % is a 100 %.)

So, the long and the short of it is, Nancy flagged a little during the ascent, but she kept at it. She was even doing fairly well till she reached the final rest stop, about 1 hour short of the canyon’s crest. (By the way, the official elevations at the Grand Canyon are all well over 6,000 ft above sea-level.) By this stage, Nancy had fallen behind her companions a bit, so they were leaving the last rest stop as she was reaching it. She put her back pack down and took out her last power bar, and set it out planning to eat it after her bathroom break. But when she got back to her gear, the power bar was gone - disaster had struck. A skinky squirrel had spotted the treat, and had made off with it - a hit-and-run, and no enforcers in sight!

Not much of a deal, really. Except when you have another hour’s worth of uphill hiking to do, of course. Then, it’s a different matter entirely. Well, what to do, you know? No tourist tearoom or concession store at this rest stop. Not much traffic either, not when you’re the last one in the pack. Actually, if you’re the last one, and you have flagged and faded, you’re no longer "in" a pack. Nancy took another drink of water, picked up her gear, and resumed the climb. But somehow, her energy and strength were gone. It was so bad, she thought she was going to die there. She could not climb out of the canyon.

Now this was not very amusing, you know?. She was alone, and unable to proceed. What was going to happen? There was no-one there to help. Well, not right away. But eventually, someone must have done something. Her companions must have reported she was behind them, or the rafting company had someone to check on the group at the top, and knew she was missing. So they notified the rescue services.

Rescue services sent a young woman down to check on Nancy and see what needed to be done. Apparently they considered evacuation by chopper, but there was no place to land one. There was nothing to be done except for Nancy to finish the walk out. In the end, it took her 6 hours to cover the final 1 hour segment of the exit trail. She was exhausted, and extremely embarrassed, and mad as heck at that squirrel. That stolen power bar was the proverbial last straw ( you know, that broke the camel’s back?).

Now, its interesting, you know. Nancy also figured she had gotten overhydrated. That she had drunk too much water, and that combined with the deficit in calories, had cut her off. But, you know, I had my doubts from the moment she told me. I still had my doubts when I began to write this little piece about squirrels evolving and all, but now I think I have the answer. It was the altitude, man.

Of course, I said to Nancy that hers was a "likely" story, humph! "Sabotaged by a squirrel?", it's about as weak as saying "The dog ate my homework!." So a few days after telling me about her ordeal-by-rodent, she sends me this news item by email about squirrels attacking people in a suburban park in Florida. Are they mutating? Picking up tips from the Florida ‘gators? See the video for yourself. I am a bit ticked off at getting trivial email at the office, you know that bosses read your email at work, so I reminded Nancy to send this kind of thing to my personal email address. She apologized, but had "lost her email account" - where she had my email address, and I'm thinking next she'll say "the computer mouse ate it".

Then, a few days later, there’s this item on TV. Some guy gets mugged by squirrels. He gets off lightly, though, no visit to the emergency room or rabies shots, and his family wire him some money so it’s a happy ending. But this is starting to look like a story!

So it’s time to search the web, you know, and see if there’s a trend out there, and look at THIS!

And there's more . . . .!!!!!

I tried to alert some journalists about the story, you know, from Time and National Geographic, but they refuse to run with it, and I’m thinking, "they’ve been threatened with a lawsuit by the Sierra Club, the WWF and the ACLU."

Anyway, my advice is, if you see a squirrel crossing the road, accelerate and nail the critter, before they come and get you! (And next time Holly catches a squirrel, I'm not having her set it free . . . You get 'em, Holly!)
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Afterword: and if you plan a trip to the Grand Canyon, please, be well prepared. (A public-service message from the Ecf-Editor.)

Update 9-12-2006: And now I can happily report that the word on "squirrel evolution" has finally gotten out. Here is one that didn't get away! (Though nailing them on a bicycle is obviously more risky.) Now, go do your part!